Friday, 10 December 2010
I sneak in at the back, full of Meal Deal: crisps, ploughman’s sandwich, diet coke – ooh and I had one of those giant éclairs too. I’m late. Everyone is looking. Although, wait a sec... *checks blog stats* ... actually no one is looking.
Ooh, ooh, wait! Someone from Australia’s just clocked me – I can see the Aussie flag on the screen and everything. No...no... she’s gone. She was searching for “pigeon mating patterns” anyway - can't think why she ended up here.
They’re clapping now – my 68 – no wait 67 – no wait 66 followers.
‘Tell us a bit about your blog – your writing – and stop – well – eating’
I can feel my coke fizzing and bubbling in my chest – I may well belch in a moment.
‘OK, OK,’ I say, standing and pulling my skirt from knickers. I clear my throat. ‘Well, it’s been a funny old year.’ *good start, yeah?* ‘I’ve broken all my previous writerly records.’
It’s true - I sold one story in 2008, three in 2009 and *drum roll please* ELEVEN – yes eleven in 2010 - good yeah? And my first three chapters have been with two agents for YONKS. OK, so they’re probably lost – but a girl can dream. And, and...well actually that’s it. Ooh no, I have other news. I had a story in the BUMPER issue of My Weekly a couple of weeks back – such a gorgeous magazine, and the picture was delightful.
‘You can sit down now, Ms Allsorts – we...’
‘No wait let me tell you about my GOALS for 2011.’
Everyone’s rolling their eyes, but I’m going to tell them anyway.
‘I want to write like David Nicholls – I want to write like David Nicholls - I want to write like David Nicholls. OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY – LUNCH everyone....anyone.?’
HAVE A LOVELY CHRISTMAS AND A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR ONE AND ALL!